Acknowledgements:
A number of people over several beers, shots, cocktails and jugs of Orange shit developed this theory on 15/10/2004. While I can’t remember exactly who was present, thanks to you all for helping to come up with this wonderful theory which I now have the chance to flesh out and put in writing. Note that I don’t consider this in the remote bit sexist. If a woman wants to write a similar thing for men, then I would definitely welcome it and think it would make interesting reading.
How do you evaluate women? Going on looks is quite easy, but is that always enough? You don’t want to be stuck with a gorgeous woman who maxes out your credit cards, sleeps around and then tells all her friends you’re a crap shag, nor do you want one who doesn’t want to go out and will never let you see your mates, or make an effort to get to know them. Even using ‘personality’ as a trait is a bit dicey because how do you rank personality? Women who initially seem ‘great fun’ turn out in fact to be bitches, and some who seem very ‘nice’ turn out to be paranoid social recluses. In order to get even a semi-decent overall score for a woman you need to rank them on, at the very least:
These categories also have beautiful symmetry with how desirable the women are at various stages. If you are just looking for shag, then character is not terribly important. She may be a bitch, but you won’t be around long enough to feel the after-effects of that. On the other hand, if you are looking for a girlfriend you want looks and character. Personality is less important at this stage because you already know them, so their shyness will not hinder you too much. If you are looking for a serious long-term girlfriend/wife then looks become the less important factor. Let’s face it, most of them will be quite ugly once they hit 40 and there will be very little correlation with how attractive they were at 25. Sometimes the less-attractive women will age better.
Evaluating on these scores
Within each of the three categories, each woman can be given one of three scores. It has been argued that this is too inaccurate and that five scores should be given in each category. If anyone wants to write ‘the 125 classifications of woman’ I will be very interested to read.
If you take three different categories and give them each three potential values, then you have 27 possible combinations. This is the ‘suitability matrix’ and can be used to evaluate any woman. Do not argue with the matrix, because the matrix is the beginning and end. Here is a brief description of each of the 27 types of women. Do not fraternise with the wrong category lest you ruin your evening, month or life.
While this woman in theory might exist, they are so rare that you will have no chance to ever shag, date or probably even meet one. They are very rare because any woman who is fit and outgoing will get so much attention she will inevitably develop a nasty streak while any woman who is attractive and nice will have no need to be outgoing because people will flock to her anyway. To see a rare example of a woman like this, watch the film ‘There’s something about Mary’. If you have the good fortune to meet one of these rare specimens then feel free to give it your best shot. However, bear in mind she will (proverbially) have Brett Favre and Ben Stiller waiting in the wings.
These ‘movie star’ type women have an aura that just attracts people to them. Men want her and women want to be her, even the ones that sit in the corner bitching about her. Unfortunately, if you get too close to her she will break your heart; not intentionally, just because she has too much going on in her oh-so-interesting life to give you the attention you desire.
You can’t believe your luck when you find yourself shagging a gorgeous bubbly girl you picked up in a club. Three weeks later you are £3000 out of pocket, she has custody of large proportions of your possessions, refuses to return your calls and is shagging two other guys (that you know of). You have to recognise these girls early if you want to avoid them. Random people shaking their head sadly while you are talking to her are a strong signal.
This is about the best vaguely attainable woman you can hope to get. If you find yourself with one of these as your girlfriend, you have maxed out the ladder (see www.intellectualwhores.com for a full explanation of the ladder) and should give up your oat-sowing days. Obviously these women are in high demand though, so you will have to be some kind of pick-up artist to find yourself in this position in the first place.
It’s 10pm; you have just got to a club and are towards the bottom of your second £3.50 bottle of Holsten. You are standing on the balcony with your friend, sarging the women on the dance-floor below.
‘Hey, look at that one!’
‘Which one?’
‘The one in the white top’ (for some reason, random hotties generally wear white tops)
‘Shit yeah, she’s so fit!’
‘Hmmmm’
‘Yeah’
‘…’
‘…’
‘So, another beer then?
A calculating woman who has been blessed with fantastic physical resources, and uses them to strip men of their money, confidence and dignity. Similar to ‘the man-eater’ except more spiteful and deliberate. Probably has a deep-rooted psychological reason for her hatred of men. You must steer clear of this woman at all costs, lest you become one of her pawns with which she plays her sordid games.
She’s really fit, yet she doesn’t know it. She doesn’t have many friends, yet after a lot of groundwork, she thinks of you as a friend. You’ve got to be in there, you just need the right moment! Unfortunately, somewhere along the line you managed to transcend the boundary into the friend zone where any kind of sexual relationship is no longer possible. From now on, every day you know her you are going to have unbearably blue balls but look on the bright side. You still look damn good when you’re out with her and you have guys desperate to be your friend just so they can meet her.
Fit in a Katie Holmes kind of way rather than a Paris Hilton kind of way, these are the random fit women you meet that nobody seems to know anything about. There are bound to be one or two in your office who always politely refuse their invitations to come to the office Friday night piss up, but everyone spends most of the day imagining with their kit off. Unfortunately, they nearly always have a boyfriend/husband.
Some people who are liberated (i.e. wrong) tell you that it is only inner-beauty that is really important. While this is mostly just feminist shite, they do have a point as illustrated by the reverse case. While being blessed with good physical features, these are women who waste them by being bitter, twisted and reclusive. Approach them and they will bite your head off, ask them out and they will laugh in your face. For most people, once they get to know these women, they couldn’t possibly fancy them except in a weird perverse kind of way, hence proving that inner-beauty is definitely important when dealing with very low values of inner-beauty.
Every man has a tragic story involving a girl like this. They are great fun, really cool to be with and seem to make your life so much better. You think you have a real chance because it’s not like they’re really hot and so you think they will not have many admirers. Unfortunately, like playing K-T offsuit on a K-8-7 flop, you are falling into a trap. Although only average looking, this woman will have lots of admirers because, like you, lots of other men also recognise the benefits of having a girlfriend who is not a head-case. On the bright side, you can take solace in the fact that at least when she turns you down she will be really nice about it. She will probably even try to stay good friends with you out of guilt.
Although only 1 category out of 27, these women are certain to have provided about 90% of random shags for men everywhere. They are outgoing enough to meet loads of men, while being not quite attractive enough to be really selective. Certainly no man is going to jump through hoops to pull one of these women. They roam clubs with their friends, skilfully splitting off from the pack to find the man they want to take home. These women truly are man’s best friend and we salute them.
If I had supreme executive power for a day, one of the first things I would do is to make it legal to sue these women for wasting your time. Even the most talented pick-up artist can strike out if they find themselves in a shoal of cock-teases, so the key is to identify them as soon as possible. Unfortunately, there is no easy way of doing this as they will lead you on and lead you on before suddenly disappearing and going home to their unemployed, alcoholic boyfriend.
Nothing to do with the 60’s TV show staring Roger Moore, these are women who are so nice they are almost annoying, and you keep wondering where the catch is. They make fine girlfriends, if you can prise them away from their group of friends who are usually very protective of them. Unfortunately, they may leave the country at a moments notice to go and save starving children in Africa or something.
Sometimes you just meet women, for whom there is nothing really to set them apart from the crowd. While individually you may form meaningful relationships with them, you will rarely remember much about them or even their name in years to come. You can meet them on the bus, in the pub, in a club, at work, in a supermarket, anywhere really. Sometimes you will stop and wonder about who they are, what makes them tick and what they enjoy doing. Then you’ll just forget about them and carry on with your life.
Paranoid, evil and schizophrenic, these women are scary. While you can be friends with them if you are a masochist, you should never, under any circumstances, have one as your girlfriend. By having a one-night stand with one, you are really playing with fire, and if you chose to do so, the following rules must be strictly followed:
A large proportion of single guys have a project. She is a girl that you would like to shag, maybe even have as your girlfriend one day, but you realise that, she is not one to be pulled easily, and you would be better off taking a slow careful approach. Get to know her, get to know her friends, find out what she likes in a man etc. Meanwhile, of course, you can shag as many other women as you like with a clear conscience.
A type of woman that nearly all men have had experience with. You really fancy her initially, maybe you pulled/shagged her once. However, after a month long campaign to get her into bed/make her your girlfriend, you just can’t be bothered any more. When she spends three hours one night telling you about the latest plot twists in Emmerdale, you start to think she’s not so great after all and the effort/reward ratio is just getting way to high.
Acts as a kind of puppeteer who manipulates the lives of others without really getting involved herself. She thrives on gossip and can turn any minor turn of events into a full-scale war. If you have ever woken up one day and found that none of your female friends are talking to you for no apparent reason, then it is a fair chance that there is a woman like this in their midst. She is at the peak of her powers in inbred groups such as university campuses and small villages, and can often be overwhelmed in, for example, a big city.
Despite being blessed with less than stellar looks, this woman has really learned to make the best of it. She has loads of friends, both male and female, and despite their looks, you can often find yourself fancying them based on their personality. Sometimes men are wary of shagging/dating them due to their mates taking the piss, but guys who are in a relationship with girls like this tend to walk around with smug grins a lot of the time. They know that, despite the fact their girlfriend doesn’t look great, they have far more fun than you do.
Everybody loves girls like this. They come out with you to watch the football, drink pints, get pissed and can have meaningful conversations about sport, electrical goods and war films. Out of the 27 categories, this is the one type of woman who has the potential to be your best mate. You don’t really fancy her so sex never gets in the way, and you just see her as a bloke with breasts. It always feels slightly odd when they pull though.
We’ve all been there. You are out clubbing, you get talking to a girl, she seems really nice and she is attractive, interesting and most surprising of all she seems interested in you. Just when you are looking to maybe ‘move things on a bit’, in steps her ugly friend, drags her away starts whispering to her and glaring at you, and suddenly they both leave, never to be seen again. Most groups of friends have a woman like this, and rather than being seen for what they are, a jealous bitch who doesn’t want her friends to get any sex because she hasn’t had any in five years, she seems to be looked up to as the saviour of women-kind. She is the mortal enemy of men everywhere and it takes a very skilful wingman to distract her.
Probably due to a confidence problem in younger life, these women have taken it upon themselves to be really nice to everyone either in the hope of getting popular or because they don’t want people to go through the same shit as they did. Unfortunately as a result they get taken for granted by everyone and used as a slave/outlet/emotional dumping ground as a result. They are the ones that are on the phone to their recently dumped friend for three hours. They are the ones who end up as designated driver or organiser. From a guy’s point of view, they are useful people to know (sometimes you want a beer and just can’t be bothered to go to the fridge) but their ‘old before their time’ look and inability to argue about anything gets tiresome after a while and makes them bad girlfriend material for anyone except someone who really needs an ego-boost.
The night has been a blow out. You came out on the pull with two of your mates, both of whom have now scored. You have struck out, wasting your time with cock teases and getting frustrated by cock blocks. You have also just finished your beer and the bar has shut. You stand on the rail watching the dance-floor, seeing your mates with their respective catches and you are mentally filing the evening under ‘disappointing’. You spot a woman standing on the rail further down. She is watching the dance-floor with the same look as you, and you can tell her mates have also pulled leaving her alone. She sees you watching her, looks up and smiles. She’s not much to look at but should you go over and try to salvage something from the evening? Sure, why not.
What may have started at a perfectly nice young women, turned sour when she decided to blame all her physical and emotional shortcomings on men. Men don’t find her attractive or interesting and hence men are the enemy. She will bore anyone who will listen with her extreme feminist agenda and will go on all kinds of demonstrations burning her 34A bra and holding up posters of Janet Street-Porter (who she may well resemble). Guys, steer clear of these women unless you are a skilled debater and fancy a laugh.
Everyone knows that guys don’t have soul mates, but that doesn’t stop girls like this from considering you theirs. They probably secretly fancy you but are way too embarrassed to ever tell you so. Instead, they will call on you for deep meaningful conversation, tell you their life story and ask you for help with all their problems. They will sometimes be hurt that you never seem to ask them for help with anything. You generally have to put up with her because telling her to leave you alone is like kicking a puppy.
A type of women who is definitely to be pitied rather than disliked. They have a firm belief that nobody likes them and as a result never make an effort to get to know people. The saintly thing to do would be befriend them and build their confidence but, to be honest who can be bothered, that’s what women are for.
Not a lot to say about this type of woman really. They don’t want to know you and, trust me, you don’t want to know them. These are smouldering balls of rage that have been dealt a crap hand in life and resent the universe for it. Fortunately, you will rarely meet this type of woman, as they like to stay at home stewing on their own. However, if you work in a large office, there will certainly be one or two there.
Ian Taylor, 22-Oct-2004