I've Never Met A Nice Vegetarian

I've travelled this whole world of ours from Brixton to Waterloo
I've had sixteen beers in one day while Slade tried to shag a Jew
I've made "Yortle" while playing Scrabble and I didn't score fuck all
And I've played some Soong-Type Andoids in the Klingon Great Hall
I've eaten some vagina
And there's really few things finer
But I've never met a nice vegetarian

No, he's never met a nice vegetarian
And that's not bloody surprising, man
'Cos we're a bunch of salad-eating bastards
Who hate black pudding

I once got served in a pub after less than four weeks' wait
I even had a walking piss close to Notting Hill Gate
I saw this time when Pie lost to a chick at a game of pool
I know a guy who disobeyed the Thirty Second Rule
I've had drinks with Baz Luhrmann
He's an Aussie; not a German
But I've never met a nice vegetarian

No, he's never met a nice vegetarian
And that's not bloody surprising, man
'Cos we're a bunch of talentless rejects
Who smell like baboons

I've seen a Mark Radford deck that wasn't non-aligned
I've even met a Welshman who was a credit to mankind
I've known of James Farmer to come out on a drinking binge
I've even played DT once when he lost and didn't whinge
I've had a big fat swig
From a pint glass that was big
But I've never met a nice vegetarian

No, he's never met a nice vegetarian
And that's not bloody surprising, man
'Cos they're a bunch of ignorant loudmouths
With no sense of humour (hah-hah-hah)

I knew Colm McFadden when he had a bit of hair
Yet if you look at his back he's like a grizzly bear
I know a place in Norwich which has some quite hot fillies
Still if you try to talk to them it turns out they've all got willies
I've eaten lots of strudel
But meat's the whole caboodle
And I've never met a nice vegetarian

No, he's never met a nice vegetarian
And that's not bloody surprising, man
Because we've never met one either
Except for Mister Ron Senior
And he's still living in Scotland

Yes, he's quite a nice vegetarian
And he's hardly ever pissed off anyone
And he's not smelly at all
That's why they put him in prison