The Survivors

Kevin rocks! Okay, he waltzed.	That would be a Husnock Ship.	They're making the most of the new budget.	Rishon finds Kevin's porn collection.
(more images below)

Overview: The Enterprise investigates the last two survivors of an annihilated world, as the entire surface has been transformed to dust except their one little garden and house.
Writer: Michael Wagner
Director: Les Landau

Anon²: (burp)

Anon: We're onto season 3 now. That was quite a burp. You did an incredible fart earlier.

Anon²: I did.

Anon: It really stunk out the room. So much, in fact, that I had to open the door and you accused me of cheating. That was harsh. (laughs)

Anon²: It was payback. So, cards... 2 for me; 3 for you.

Anon: Yeah, we got Kevin Uxbridge, Rishon Uxbridge, Husnock Ship and 2 more. The Husnock Outpost didn't seem to be in the episode. Maybe they just made that one up for the OTSD.

Anon²: Anyway, first thing to note is that Deanna's tits are great.

Anon: Oh yeah. Absolutely.

Anon²: I didn't write much down. I don't know why. This was one of those episodes that trundles along. It's got it's fable... erm, not fable. What's the thing at the end - like the reason for it? They did it at the end of He-Man.

Anon: Oh, like a morale?

Anon²: Yeah, a morale. The morale of the story was about guilt. Shall we do a plot synopsis?

Anon: Yeah, why not? Let's do that. But first, I'm going to have a piss.

Anon²: Great, then I'll have a shit.

(And when we returned...)

Anon: Okay, so plot synopsis.

Anon²: Basically, it's about grief and whether or not retribution is the right thing to do. This guy is essentially a pacifist but ends up wiping out an entire civilisation because he failed to be a hard bastard when it counted.

Anon: Yeah. He digged his chick.

Anon²: He digged his chick but wasn't prepared to save her. Then when he realised he'd lost everything, he decided to kill them all. Some guy in the 30's did that, didn't he? Tried it, anyway.

Anon: So, they encountered the Uxbridge's down on the planet, where Riker gets caught in some trap and ends up hanging upside-down after smacking himself into a pole. That didn't seem to hurt him.

Anon²: That was pretty rubbish, that.

Anon: It was a bit like one of the Ewok traps in Return of the Jedi.

Anon²: Oh, y'know what? I was talking about Ewoks earlier today because there's this Spanish kid in our lab that actually said that he preferred the first 3 - i.e.: the new 3 - Star Wars films more than the original.

Anon: What?!

Anon²: Yeah, I know...

Anon: WHAT?!

Anon²: Basically, the girls in the lab were bored as fuck because we were talking about fucking Star Wars. Anyway, me, Matt and Joe were absolutely mortified. We almost made him pay for the whole fucking meal. (pause) I don't know what the point was that I was going to make. Basically, the Ewoks are shit. Yeah. In the first 3 movies [the prequels] they had Jar-Jar Binks who was essentially an Ewok. In A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back, you had your droids for that. It's all you fucking needed, y'know? That's where your fucking comedy comes from. The Ewoks were unnecessary. They were just a merchandising thing. Anyway, Star Trek; not Star Wars.

Anon: So... Riker got caught in a trap then Rishon Uxbridge plays the Mrs. Doyle role from Father Ted where...

Anon²: She falls out of a window?

Anon: (laughs) No, but she did keep offering people a cup of tea.

Anon²: Oh, she did. Yeah. I think she brewed it herself. She didn't have a machine. I didn't see her fall out of any windows, but she did make lots of tea.

Anon: Kevin Uxbridge was a bit of a staple card in the CCG, wasn't he?

Anon²: I kind of vaguely remember that you drew 2 cards with him or something. Erm, no...

Anon: No, he nullified an Event.

Anon²: Oh yeah. He was an Interrupt. So was she, wasn't she? Didn't she Interrupt?

Anon: (pause) I think... was it that she nullified Kevin, or was it that you put her on top of an Event to protect it from Kevin?

Anon²: Something like that, yeah. Basically, I think you could protect your Traveler, couldn't you?

Anon: Yeah, but no one bothered.

Anon²: You'd just Palor Toff for it, wouldn't you? Could you Palor Toff for that?

Anon: Yeah, why not? So, they go into the house where they encounter this music box, which is what's playing endlessly in Deanna's mind. It causes her to go on the blob and scream really loudly.

Anon²: At what point was that connection actually made? Because that was down to Kevin apparently, although it was Data that actually picked up the music box. I dunno.

Anon: Yeah, they never actually directly link the music box to what was going on.

Anon²: No, they don't. That was a bit bizarre.

Anon: It's because they didn't bother to have a Senior Staff Meeting.

Anon²: That's right. Like I said, all I've written down is "Deanna's tits are great." There is another word here that says "Blob." She had a rant, didn't she?

Anon: Oh, and for those of you that have watched Mad Men, you have to appreciate how great Deanna's character would have been in Mad Men. Some bloke would have just told her to shut the fuck up. That would've been great.

Anon²: Or they might've hit her.

Anon: Like, giving her a slap for being a Tottenham fan?

Anon²: Actually, let's just divert here a bit. You mentioned football - I was going to go and watch Spurs. I was going to get a ticket for Plymouth vs. Newcastle in the FA Cup, originally on the 2nd January, right? They moved it to fucking Sunday. How many fucking times will these cunts - whoever they fucking are... stop fucking changing all the fucking Newcastle games so they're all televised. I want to go and see them!

Anon: I don't know who's responsible for that but...

Anon²: Cunts!

Anon: ... but it's just about possible that one of our guest Trek commentators works for them.

Anon²: Fucking stop it for fuck's sake! I would just... how many fucking... what is it? What's so fucking...? Okay, I'm a Newcastle fan. I love it, but what's so fucking great about televising Newcastle? Leave it at 3 o'clock on a Saturday so I can get to a fucking game, you fucking retarded fucking dickwad cunts! Fuck you! Wankers! Fucking wank fucking pisshead fucking - just go and fucking die! Stop fucking my team! I want to see them at some point. Cunts!

Anon: Right. (pause) Kevin Uxbridge obviously wasn't a football fan. He just liked dancing around the room with his wife. It's weird how you never get a Trek episode where they meet some guest stars that are all wearing football strips.

Anon²: They don't, do they?

Anon: No, they don't. None of that. Obviously there's less segmentation by the 24th century.

Anon²: Well, by that time there will have been so many games moved to fucking Monday night that everyone will have given up.

Anon: (laughs)

Anon²: Fucking cunts! Y'know, I've said "cunt" a lot. I don't usually say "cunt" a lot but fuck 'em. These cunts are pissing me off, man.

Anon: There's also...

Anon²: Cunts!

Anon: There's also a possibility that Geordi's card is in this episode.

Anon²: Potentially. Although to be honest with you, we're never going to get the Bridge crew. We might potentially have got Tasha Yar. Did we get her?

Anon: I don't remember, man.

Anon²: I don't think we did.

Anon: We missed Pulaski as well.

Anon²: Ah well. Fuck her. We don't care about that.

Anon: I don't miss Pulaski. I'm so glad Bev's back.

Anon²: Well, raise your glasses, folks!

Anon: Fuck you, Pulaski! You're the worst thing in this show.

Anon²: Oh man. She's probably dead by now. Isn't she?

Anon: I don't think so. But sadly, the 2 guest stars in this episode are both dead.

Anon²: Well, I would hope so. Well, not "hope so" - I don't wish that they were dead or anything but they were pretty fucking old back then. It was 20 years ago after all. (pause) Oh, if you are alive...

Anon: They're not.

Anon²: Ah okay. Fair enough. I was going to apologise for proclaiming they were fucking dead and hoping they were dead. I'm not being fucking rude. It's not like you're a terrorist leader, like "I want you dead." I hope we don't get targetted for saying that by some religious revolutionaries; or by the government.

Anon: Well, we didn't get targetted for Don't Worry, Vote Bushy.

Anon²: No, we didn't, but we're probably being watched! Bush... what a fuckwit!

Anon: Say what you think!

Anon²: Don't get me started on that twat. Actually, y'know... current affairs at the moment. We haven't spoken too much about what's actually going on at the moment - like when these commentaries were being done in time and space...

Anon: Well, we put a date on each of them.

Anon²: We do, but putting everything in perspective is probably a good thing. This is an apt episode, because there civilisation has essentially been annihilated because some daft twat didn't do anything. We have the opposite. It's called Iraq and Afghanistan, right? And whilst we're talking about Bush, we've got to involve Blair. At the moment there's this thing going through where they've had this inquiry and done their best not to make it public. Now, I'm reading this and thinking it's deja vu. I remember 2001 to 2003 they were fucking gearing up to do this and they have to have an enquiry - probably going to cost us a lot of cash - to tell us stuff we already fucking know! (pause) Anyway, have I been grumpy today? No, I shouldn't have been. I had a fucking great steak. I'm going to have to do a shit. Right, finish the commentary off, dude. I'm off for a dump.

Anon: Okay. (laughs) So, with that in mind, the next episode is Who Watches the Watchers which is... an episode, I guess. We'll be seeing you soon. Bye.

- Anon & Anon², 17-Dec-2009