The Dauphin

You would, wouldn't you?	Even Wesley agrees!	And her mate is Shelley Johnson from Twin Peaks.	When she's not this old crusty woman (who's dead now.)
(more images below)

Overview: The Enterprise hosts a young world leader and her mysterious chaperone. Wesley soon falls in love with the young leader, putting him in grave danger.
Writer: Scott Rubenstein & Leonard Mlodinow
Director: Rob Bowman

Anon²: Yeah.

Anon: The Dauphin. This was an episode I was looking forward to in a way, because Salia was always my trademark card. I always used to crack on about how hot she was. I have to say I was a little worried that when we got to this episode, I'd think "You know what? She weren't all that!" But...

Anon²: She fucking is!

Anon: She's great! She's a beautiful girl, so full respect to that wee lassy.

Anon²: Her other mate, who when you first see her is a fucking grumpy old bitch, turns into what's called Young Anya and that should have been a card. My word! She's got this fucking dress on. It's fucking sweet! Then she turns into a fucking bear!

Anon: Yeah, the hot one is Shelley Johnson from Twin Peaks.

Anon²: Yeah, the hot one.

Anon: And the bear appears to be The Bear from Bo Selecta! "My tail popped out! My tail popped out!"

Anon²: Yeah, then she turns back into Grumpy Anya. Then a little later on when Worf's having a go at her in Sick Bay, she turns into the Polymorph thing out of Red Dwarf.

Anon: Yeah, but without the plunger.

Anon²: Yeah, without the fucking plunger! (laughs)

Anon: Wesley's basically a pussy in this episode. Just fuck her already, man!

Anon²: Yeah. I've got to say - and I'm going to hate saying this - but this was probably one of the better Wesley episodes by a very big margin.

Anon: I would ask the question: is it the best Wesley episode up to this point? I'd say it probably is. I think until you come across episodes like Final Mission or The First Duty, this is good for him. But that's a long way off yet.

Anon²: Sure. Anyway, Wesley meets this young Salia girl and he's obviously got a total stonk-on which at least proves he isn't completely gay. (pause) Well, in some ways he is. But it's good to know he does like a bit of faff. So he goes on this little mission to find out how to pull women.

Anon: Yeah, so he finds out about women and he's talking to Geordi in Engineering, isn't he? Now, Wesley fucks up the engine in the process and Geordi goes, "Hey - come down from there Wesley. You're a fucking tit!" He'd forgotten to bring a magnet with him earlier too. Why didn't he replicate one instead? Anyway, Geordi says to Wesley, "Use the ladder" so he can come down from the higher platform. Now, when the guys clearly head-over-heels in love and nearly blows up the Enterprise, why trust him to manage to step down a ladder? Why not just use the really safe and really slow lift in Engineering?

Anon²: Anya later uses that lift and it goes down into some weird, obscure region.

Anon: Probably her minge.

Anon²: Anyway, the Geordi thing - he got the huff on Wesley asking him about this girl. Is Geordi jealous? I'd question his sexuality here.

Anon: It goes on from here to a bit where Worf takes Anya on a tour of the ship. They go into Sick Bay and there's a guy who's got a fever, called Hennessey. Anya is worried that his illness is going to infect the Enterprise, although Pulaski says that's impossible.

Anon²: And this fever doesn't come up in any other episodes, past or present.

Anon: No, of course not. So Anya turns into the giant bear and tries to kill the guy that is a potential risk. So Pulaski then goes to call Security...

Anon²: ... who arrive immediately.

Anon: Yeah, they arrive instantly. Including Picard, which there is no reason for whatsoever. Speaking of the Security people in this episode, we need to delve into this a bit further because there's the random Security guy who is guarding Salia in her quarters and just decides to let Wesley Crusher go in. Plus, Wesley goes in and orders a chocolate mousse and gives it to her then decides to take her to the holodeck but the Security guy doesn't stop them at all! So, you've got super-efficient Security that turn up with Picard within seconds of a call and you've also got this numpty outside Salia's quarters. I'm not even done yet! Later on, you've got Anya saying to Salia that she's not going to join her on Planet BoobyBooby, despite the fact that they're supposed to be preventing a civil war and could be beaming down into an obvious trap! She lets Salia go down on herself.

Anon²: (laughs) She goes down on herself?

Anon: She goes down by herself, I should have said.

Anon²: If she'd gone down on herself, that would've been great.

Anon: Well, if she's a shapeshifting alien, it might be possible. It would make an interesting porno, wouldn't it?

Anon²: She does go on about positions at one point. She says to Wesley, "You don't know what sort of positions I can take." Well, if Wesley doesn't know, just give me a call. I'll show her some fucking new positions!

Anon: Was this also the first kiss in Next Gen?

Anon²: Erm... possibly, yeah. Not so sure. Oh, just going back to the bit where Wesley goes to seek out advice, he goes and finds Worf. Basically, the cut into the scene is of Worf screaming into the camera. Then he goes, "Women normally throw heavy objects at us." And what do the men do in this Klingon mating ritual? They recite poetry.

Anon: Love poetry.

Anon²: Classic! (laughs) Then Wesley goes off to find Will Riker who demonstrates relationship skills by chatting up Guinan. That was quite a funny scene. Very cool.

Anon: Yeah, and Wesley gets told to shut the fuck up.

Anon²: He does, yeah. By Guinan. Brilliant! The other thing we talked about earlier was when Worf and Anya have a bit of a to-do in Sick Bay. They're challenging each other verbally. So, my question is who would win a fight between Worf and Anya? Also, later on in the episode I thought one of the moons on the holodeck was the Death Star. So, another question: who would win a battle between the Death Star and the Enterprise? What else have we got? Oh, apparently a terrawatt is a very large amount of energy. Actually, it's not. They've got a fucking anti-matter chamber, so they can generate more than that, even though they say there's not that much power on the Enterprise. Well, if anti-matter is to be believed, I think not.

Anon: There we go, then. The next episode is Contagion. I had to actually put the next DVD in to remember what the next episode will be. I'm obviously losing my touch.

. Anon²: But we still don't know what the episode number is.

Anon: Nope. No clue.

Anon²: Oh, card-count! Crikey!

Anon: Damn - we've never missed one yet, either.

Anon²: Calm down! Easy, tiger! I got 1, you got 2. I got the Salia image.

Anon: Yeah, I was a bit disappointed I didn't get that. I'll be beating myself with a stick later.

Anon²: (laughs) Got you! Anyway, the second card was Anya which you got. But you also got this image of something else with red eyes that Anya turned into.

Anon: There may have been another card on the holodeck too, but we're not sure.

Anon²: Yeah, there was a scene there - we think it may have been in the OTSD or something.

Anon: Okay, we'll be seeing you soon.

- Anon & Anon², 22-Oct-2009