Elementary, Dear Data

Moriarty wanders down the street as a whore checks out his arse.	Any purpose to the costumes?	Insp. Lestrade, now does voices on Family Guy.	Prostitute or Prime Minister?
(more images below)

Overview: After Data easily solves an ordinary Sherlock Holmes holodeck mystery, Geordi asks the computer to make a Holmes villain capable of defeating Data. The resultant Professor Moriarty soon becomes far more powerful than expected.
Writer: Brian Alan Lane
Director: Rob Bowman

Anon²: Captain Snoozer!

Anon: Yeah, Captain Snoozer.

Bowdy: Captain Z.

Anon: He has returned to join us.

Anon²: And he stayed awake.

Anon: Yeah, impressive. He stayed awake for an entire episode.

Anon²: He deserves a medal.

Anon: Worth a round of applause I think. (clap clap clap) We've also got my girlfriend with us who is...

Sarah: ... Unimpressed.

Anon: She's unimpressed. But she has endured an entire episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Personally, I think she's upset that Wesley wasn't in this episode.

Anon²: So, card-count: you got one and I got one.

Anon: Yeah, you got Madam Pulaski. That was a great spot. I think I had to point out the card title but we got there in the end.

Bowdy: Right, I thought this wasn't too bad an episode. Moriarty was in it. He may have been a card, but we didn't get it.

Anon²: He may have been in Holodeck Adventures.

Bowdy: Yeah, but none of us were playing by Holodeck Adventures' time.

Anon: We'd given up by then, hadn't we?

Bowdy: Yeah, pretty much. There were a lot of weird things in the episode that sort of made you think... "Okay, why did they do this and why did they do that?" For instance, at the beginning Geordi has this model he's building and I thought, "He probably replicated that, didn't he?" And he broke one of the spars... well, he could have replicated another one, couldn't he? When I used to build models when I was a kid, I used to have to paint everything and I had glue all over my fingers. I looked like a baby Goth with black fingers.

Anon²: I agree. Actually, I did lots of modelling when I was a kid and I've got to say there's one very big problem there. If you're going to do a risk assessment, having a three foot model of the HMS Enterprise sailing ship in Engineering, on top of some very fucking important data pads, and whatever else they had... this was daft. Then they left it there, like as if someone else would clear it up. As if they could fuck off for a couple of days to the holosuite then come back. Plus the Captain doesn't seem to have an issue with this. Health and safety would have been all over your arse! Health and safety don't need any reason to get their arses up. That would have been a big hit. A big fucking flagship.

Bowdy: It was the HMS Victory.

Anon²: It was the HMS Enterprise, wasn't it?

Sarah: No, the HMS Victory.

Anon²: Really?

Bowdy: Yeah, the HMS Victory.

Anon²: Ah well, fair enough. Well, if it was the HMS Enterprise it would have been better.

Sarah: Anyway, they decided to play on the holodeck.

Anon²: But why would they build the HMS Victory when they're on the Enterprise?

Sarah: Well, they were on the Enterprise, building the Victory, but they had a few hours spare so they decided to play on the holodeck. That was the point of the episode.

Anon: Can you imagine if you were working for the military and you decided to leave your Citadel Miniatures collection with primer all over it in the middle of the War Room in Dr. Strangelove?

Bowdy: (laughs) Yeah, all your Goblin archers left to dry!

Anon: Yeah, so they are doing the same thing. They leave their Citadel Miniatures to dry whilst they fuck off to play Sherlock Holmes adventures. It's a bit random, isn't it?

Bowdy: It's pretty similar, yeah.

Sarah: By the way, the screen you've paused the DVD on is showing the end credits and amongst the characters are Ruffian, Prostitute and Pie Man.

Bowdy: (laughs) Pie Man!

Sarah: Was that on purpose?

Anon: I also like the name of the actress of the prostitute. It's Diz White.

Bowdy: The prostitute was quite cute, I thought.

Anon: But how many people do you know called Diz? The only person I can think of is Benjamin E. Disraeli, former Prime Minister of Great Britain in 1868 and from 1874 to 1880.

Bowdy: What the fuck? How do you know that?

Anon: Well, you've got to know your Disraeli and Gladstone.

Bowdy: I learnt Irish history, not British history.

Anon: Go on then, are they called Prime Ministers in Ireland? What are they called?

Bowdy: We learnt about the history of the Irish Revolution. Irish oppression, our clan - all of that. We learnt all of that stuff.

Anon: What are they called though? Are they called Prime Ministers, Presidents or what?

Bowdy: Taoiseachs

Anon: T'Shoks? What are they? Isn't that a Vulcan High Priestess or something?

Bowdy: (laughs)

Sarah: Taoiseachs, not T'Shoks!

Anon: Is that like a tea bag or something?

Bowdy: It's not T - apostrophe - S H O K. Okay? Not the Captain of the Vulcan Lander!

Anon²: I think I preferred it when there were Z's involved.

Anon: Yeah yeah. I'm the guy who's going to transcribe it, so I'll put in as many apostrophes as I want to!

Bowdy: Fair enough. Why not put an apostrophe after the O? T'Sho'K. (laughs)

Anon: My thoughts, personally, is that the guy who played Moriarty, whoever he was... I think he's actually pretty good. Bowdy: Yeah yeah.

Anon: He does pretty well for what could be a bullshit role.

Anon²: He comes back later, doesn't he?

Anon: Yeah, he comes back in season 6. Ship in a Bottle - a Reg Barclay episode.

Anon²: Okay, he comes back. Anyway, the main point of this episode is "Don't ask a computer to do something it isn't supposed to do. Leave it to the useful stuff, like downloading porn.

Bowdy: One of the things that Pulaski said, right at the beginning of the episode, was...

Anon²: Roman Pulaski? Wasn't he done for paedophilia?

Bowdy: No, Doctor Pulaski.

Anon²: Did she have sex with an underage girl?

Anon: It wasn't just sex - it was sodomy.

Anon²: Sodomy?

Anon: Yeah, he buggered her.

Anon²: Ahh.

Sarah: It's your fault for asking.

Anon: For what it's worth, David Lynch says that Polanski should be let off.

Bowdy: Anyway, one of the messages that came out in the moralising of these episodes... Data initially started off reworking all of the old Sherlock Holmes stories, but Geordi found it boring and walked off.

Anon²: He got the arse.

Bowdy: Yeah, he got the arse. Like, "I'm done; I'm walking home. Fuck you all! I'm not playing. It's not my game!" Then they were sitting in Ten Forward afterwards and Pulaski overhears and digs in with her usual snidey comments with, "We've learnt from our mistakes, Data. Nur nur nur." The whole thing is that humans learn from their mistakes.

Anon²: Yeah, I know what you're saying. I'm saying, "Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! You old fucking cunt!" For the record, it's one of our birthdays today and we're all fucking pissed.

Sarah: I have two main problems. One: you have a holodeck to create holographic images. Why do you physically change into outfits that you wear. Then they discuss everything in these stupid outfits rather than normal clothes. Why doesn't the holodeck change their outfits too? I have a problem with this. Why doesn't it change their outfit as well as everything else around them? Surely it would do that too? And my second thing is...

Anon²: No no - the thing is...

Sarah: Wait your turn. My second things is: this is supposed to be "Space: The Final Frontier" and the whole episode is them playing around on a holodeck downstairs rather than investigating space. I struggle with this because I haven't been watching the rest of the episodes. This episode is nothing about exploring space.

Bowdy: Well, it's about the computer having consciousness, isn't it?

Anon²: Star Trek isn't about exploring space; it's about exploring humanity. It deals with all sorts of different situations. And if you don't understand that... sorry!

Sarah: (laughs)

Anon: Another thing I found strange about this episode is the way that Lieutenant Worf dressed up in an outfit just to stand outside the holodeck. He doesn't go in or do anything else; he just dresses up.

Bowdy: (laughs)

Anon: Whilst Picard and Data and Geordi - even Pulaski - all go into the holodeck, and thereby had a purpose to change their outfit, Worf just stood outside and did nothing.

Anon²: Not only that - you have to bear in mind that the guy got dressed up in period costume, but he's a fucking Klingon! He looks like someone's split his head open with an axe and shat in the wound as well. He doesn't even fucking look human! If he wandered into Sherlock Holmes era London like that, people would stare and point, then compare him to John Merrick.

Bowdy: I've got a point to make about the upside-down-drawn picture of the Enterprise. Okay, there was a bit in the episode where the picture of the Enterprise was flipped by Geordi as it was the wrong-way round. But then again, Moriarty couldn't go outside the holodeck because he can't. But this picture was drawn by Moriarty in the holodeck, but Data was able to take it out of the holodeck with no problem. It didn't disappear. It made no sense.

Sarah: Not just that. He drew it in the holodeck, but he also managed to label it with lots of things. Different diagrams, with A's, B's, C's and D's all pointing to different sections of the diagram. It's really weird in the holodeck.

Anon²: Okay, I don't think this matters because this concept of up-and-down, left-and-right is all irrelevant when you're in space.

Anon: Yeah. Anon²: The Enterprise could be up, down, left, or right. It doesn't matter. It's just conceptual to whatever your conception might be in space. Anyway, we're Trekkies and we all know they have a gravitational field otherwise they'd all be floating about rather than walking along corridors.

Bowdy: It's filmed on Earth, so it's all filmed in a place with gravity. Can you imagine trying to film things the other way? Everything's filmed in the way we're used to it. It's flat as far as we're concerned. You could have this argument with every single episode - it's pointless really. It's a pointless argument because in filming the episode and filming every single episode of Next Gen, Deep Space Nine, The Original Series... there's no point in bringing this up. It's irrelevant.

Anon²: Well, the thing is, it makes no difference if it's upside-down or not.

Sarah: The point for me is that in the episode, the guy drew it in the holodeck, labelled it: A, B, C, D in a certain way; and then he drew a picture the other way up. That's the only thing people are disagreeing with - the inconsistency; not the gravitational field.

Bowdy: The gravitational field is a logistic thing to help them film it. It's not really relevant.

Anon²: Basically, the inconsistency of what they filmed doesn't match the reality that they're trying to portray. It's all totally irrelevant because it's make-believe.

Bowdy: No. You're wrong...

Sarah: (laughs)

Bowdy: ... because in perspective it's all make-believe.

Anon: Are you sure it's make-believe?

Bowdy: Erm, can we make sure? Can we put it on again just to make sure?

Anon: I'm feeling a bit shocked right now that you're telling me this show is a piece of fiction!

Bowdy: (laughs) All I can say is Moriarty said it was from the turtle's back and that just reminded me of Discworld.

Anon: I tell you what, this can't be make-believe, because every time I've visited the year 2365 it's been exactly like this. So it must be right!

Sarah: What, with yellow people, and people with weird VISOR's? Or people with Playdoh on their foreheads?

Anon: Yeah, absolutely every time I've visited the year 2365 it's been like that!

Bowdy: Well, I'm glad to see that we all believe it's make-believe.

Anon: I'm not saying that. It's all true, damnit!

Bowdy: (laughs) Yeah, okay. Did anyone notice the bit where Picard went "Merde!"?

Anon²: Or "Shit!"

Bowdy: He actually swore in this.

Anon: Yeah, it wasn't for the first time in the series.

Bowdy: But does he every say "Puta" or something like that?

Anon: He's said "Merde" before.

Bowdy: Has he? Okay.

Anon²: What you've got to remember is this was made for Americans who may be as thick as fuck.

Bowdy: What's the message of this episode then?

Anon²: The message of this episode is, don't fuck with technology.

Anon: I think you need to remember that this isn't like The Original Series. Back then, just about every episode had some sort of allegorical meaning or a moral behind it. This is a good example of how Next Gen often doesn't have that behind it. It's also probably a good example of Roddenberry's declining influence on the series' stories.

Anon²: I don't actually think this episode was a bad one.

Anon: No, I don't either. Based on what we've watched so far, it's above average.

Bowdy: Also, Moriarty became something of a sympathetic character. He just wanted a life. No one can deny him that!

Anon: And they picked up the storyline again later on.

Anon²: The thing is, they've played on this before in the Bynars episode with the holodeck having some level of intelligence.

Anon: And The Big Goodbye as well, where Cyrus Redblock wanted to get out of the holodeck.

Anon²: Yeah, in fact Redblock did exist outside of the holodeck temporarily which confounds the theory that you cease to exist as soon as you leave the holodeck.

Bowdy: Okay, this is the problem I have with that... ah fuck it, I'll sound pedantic.

Anon²: The point is, the holodeck works using the same technology as transporters and replicators. Therefore everything has mass which is converted to matter. And if matter exists, then it can exist outside of the holodeck.

Bowdy: Hmmm...

Anon²: So, it can happen. The holodeck works on converting energy to matter. So you create matter from energy. Look - if they can convert this then it can be moved. They're talking about creating something.

Bowdy: I'm really glad we're able to debate this in such a geeky fashion.

Anon²: Actually, I've got a good point. They can create life.

(Sarah heads off to bed.)

Anon: Do you want to say goodbye?

Sarah: Goodbye!

Anon: Good night.

Anon²: Anyway, I've come across a weird concept there because if a holodeck can convert energy into matter, the matter would have enough intelligence to exist outside the holodeck. They could create life inside the holodeck and then move it outside. That's quite interesting and it's not something I'd ever thought about until about 5 minutes ago.

Anon: So, to prevent this going on any longer...

Anon²: You mean, to prevent you having to type any more of this up...

Anon: Fucking hell - this is 20 minutes plus now! We'll see how we do in the transcription - we may leave people with the edited highlights! Anyway, the next episode is The Outrageous Okona.

Anon²: I like that episode - he's a bit crazy.

Anon: You like that episode? It's completely insignificant in every single way. But it does feature the bloke from The Rocketeer. Do you remember The Rocketeer?

Anon²: Nah.

Anon: It's a really random comic book movie featuring Timothy Dalton and the bloke from The Outrageous Okona. Anyway, we'll be seeing you all soon.

Anon²: We certainly will.

- Anon, Anon², Bowdy & Sarah, 02-Oct-2009