Home Soil

A green version of this was invented by Richard Pryor in Superman III.	General Gogol, RIP.	Blub blub blub. Blob blob blob. Sob sob sob. Fuck off.	Swedish Lex Luger strikes back.
(more images below)

Overview: The crew of the Enterprise discovers a crystalline life-form with murderous intelligence.
Writers: Robert Sabaroff
Director: Corey Allen

Anon²: I certainly soiled myself this week.

Anon: (laughs)

Anon²: I've just got to say I had the shits Wednesday and Thursday. Frankly, what came out was Home Soil. It started off really well. I thought, "This looks pretty promising." And then, at some point, the episode turned really tragic and very fucking stupid. Card-count: I got one and we couldn't be arsed to fucking do any more. If there was any more, we certainly missed them.

Anon: Yeah. If there were anymore, I certainly missed them. Anyway, you beat me on this one, so well done.

Anon²: Yay! Well, to be fair, if you're going to sum this episode up...

Anon: Actually, before we go on, we should probably point out what that card was.

Anon²: Yeah, Terraforming Station, which was about as obliquely used as a... fuck, I don't know.

Anon: But it was the subject of Mr. Farmer's amazing deck.

Anon²: Was it?

Anon: Yeah. In the No Such Thing As Luck tournament. He used it to change the mission requirements for the rematch so it was impossible to complete.

Anon²: (laughs) Didn't he have inside information that was going to happen?

Anon: No, everyone knew that in advance.

Anon²: Oh did they? Fair enough. Okay. Anyway, Home Soil. There was this bird in there that was on the Terraforming Station.

Anon: The Oriental one?

Anon²: Was she Oriental? Maybe. Anyway, she was fucking poor. She just wanted to blub. Every time we saw her on the screen she was fucking crying. I mean, "Get over whatever it is you're fucking on!"

Anon: Still, Riker decided to get in there and try to pull her anyway.

Anon²: (laughs) Yeah, I came up with a little song in that episode there. It goes:

Riker wants a fuck
Riker wants a fuck
Riker Riker Riker Riker
Riker wants a fuck

Anon: He wanted to get a proper fuck-on.

Anon²: Yeah he does. Basically, Riker wants to get his nuts sucked, right? And he's the Second Officer on a starship...

Anon: First Officer.

Anon²: Oh, First Officer, of course he is. I guess in that position he's got a good chance of that happening. He milks it.

Anon: General Gogol from the James Bond films is in this. He's in the Roger Moore ones.

Anon²: Yeah, he was, yeah. He was in Moonraker, was it?

Anon: He was probably in that, yeah. I'm not going to look it up, so fuck it, let's just say he was. He dropped dead about 20 years ago.

Anon²: Really? Okay.

Anon: Anyway, they were kind enough when he first appeared on the viewing screen to offer him a trip to the holodeck so he could check out the holoporn.

Anon²: Wow. Y'know, a man of that age. They'll probably have some sort of space-age Viagra going on by then.

Anon: Quite a dramatic actor, wasn't he?

Anon²: Yeah. He had a bit of "storm-in; storm-out" - mostly led by his belly. And he had a bit of a strange suit. In fact, all the terraformers had these weird suits on. I mean, I'm a scientist and you have to wear a labcoat because it's the rules but you still have a little bit of individuality. These guys just looked like they came off a Bond set.

Anon: One of the terraformers had a major mullet as well. He had a Lex Luger thing going on.

Anon²: That was a fantastic mullet. In fact, the only mullet that was anywhere near this was the guy who went onto the Tarellian Plague Ship. That was a slightly longer, straighter one.

Anon: Wyatt?

Anon²: Yeah, Wyatt Twurp or whaever his name was.

Anon: (laughs)

Anon²: Basically, this guy's mullet was more solid. It was off-the-shoulder. It looked like he had someone on his back, you know what I mean? Anyway, we're straying away from talking about this episode and giving it a fair account and proper assessment.

Anon: Obviously we're always careful to make sure we talk about episodes properly.

Anon²: Yeah.

Anon: And without comical value.

Anon²: Yeah. I hate Wesley.

Anon: Well, Wesley wasn't in this much.

Anon²: He wasn't in it much, but he was gay.

Anon: I thought he wasn't going to be in it at all, and then he turns up in Medical. There's no reason for his to be there at all.

Anon²: He's a pussy.

Anon: He is, yeah. Then he has this awful quote where he looks at the light-bulb critters and says, "It's beautiful, whatever it is!"

Anon²: Yeah. That's him being totally fucking gay.

Anon: What a twat! My other favourite line of the episode was the Oriental girl we were talking about. She comes up with...

Anon²: "Blub blub blub blub blub." Or "Blob blob blob blob blob."

Anon: She also comes out with the great line, "We're just about to begin pumping."

Anon²: (laughs) That was when Riker really got interested.

Anon: Yeah, Riker wanted to chill his boots with her.

Anon²: Yeah. At some point in this episode, it really lost the plot. It started off quite well. I don't know at what point it was, but it reached the point where we thought, "This is shit."

Anon: It turns into shite when they discover than organism.

Anon²: And then they go, "Oh my God. We shouldn't be doing this." This is without any reason. None of them believe it's an actual life-form because it's not organic.

Anon: Yeah. It's not an organism.

Anon²: Yeah, that would define it as organic. The thing is, they all of a sudden get really rhetorical. Er... not rhetroical...

Anon: Retarded?

Anon²: Yeah, retarded. They get all upset and... oh, remonstrating, that's what I meant, although that might not be right either. They start saying, "Oh no. The terraformers shouldn't have done this." They were remonstrating the people without knowing what they were remonstrating against. Do you understand what I'm saying, Mofo?

Anon: More or less.

Anon²: Hopefully it'll come across in the write-up. They start ranting on about doing bad things before they even know that they're doing a bad thing. Right? It's totally back to front.

Anon: They've also got another new Chief Engineer. Hang on, was she a Chief Engineer? She was only an Ensign. But she did have the Admiral of all perms.

Anon²: Yeah, she said, "You'd better get down here to have a look at this."

Anon: Yep, then Riker looked down there and ended up with a face smelling of fish.

Anon²: So, marks out of ten?

Anon: Not many.

Anon²: Oh, wait... Geordi! This was fucking hilarious! What did Geordi do this episode? Basically, Data's locked in a room behind a door and there's no cameras so he can't see what's going on. Data's getting attacked by this laser thing. So he calls for help and Geordi makes a point that he can't see anything. But then Geordi runs up to try and open the doors, which he can't do. Then Data comes out, having ripped this laser thing apart. Then when they get up and they report it, Geordi has said he can't see anyting before, but when he gives the report he explains it all. This storyline was so back-to-front. They were remonstrating... what the fuck is that word anyway?

Anon: I don't know. I think there's a good reason why this was one of only two episodes from this season not to be released on the rental market here back in the day.

Anon²: No surprise! That just sums it up.

Anon: But then again, When The Bough Breaks and Angel One were.

Anon²: (sighs)

Anon: Next up, we've got Coming Of Age, which is Wesley at Starfleet Academy.

Anon²: Oh God. I hope Wesley dies.

Anon: He takes the Starfleet Academy entrance exam.

Anon²: Oh. Well let's hope he cheats and gets kicked out so we don't have to see him again.

Anon: Right, be seeing you.

- Anon & Anon², 31-Jul-2009