Ruling Britannia has been going for 18 months now. It's hard to believe that after all that time people still take the time to read the 3000 or so words of rambling that I churn out every month. Maybe it's because people think that the London Trek scene is special and want to hear about it. Maybe it's because I am not afraid to say what I think and (proverbially) call a spade a spade. Maybe it's just because after reading all the other articles on Where No-one Has Gone Before their brain is near exploding with Fed Super-Speed DQSS decks and Borg Dooby they decide they want to read something different. This month, most of the above may be disappointed. The fact is that I have nothing even remotely Trek related to write about. Worse still I have very little in the way of humorous stories either. Yes ladies and gentlemen I have had a shit month. The following column might make quite depressing reading except for the 1% of you who might be having similar thoughts right now. This column is dedicated to you.
The first thing that has gone wrong this month is that I have totally lost motivation to build Trek decks and even go to tournaments. I mentioned this last month in relation to DecipherCon being cancelled but this month I have really noticed it. I have even started playing the occasional game of Magic, which is really worrying. I don't know if this is wholly related to DecipherCon or not. Obviously it was a big disappointment and it meant that after thinking about killer decks for a few months I now had nowhere I wanted to use them. In short the absence of the Worlds has left a big hole in my playing calendar. Normally you get the build up to the worlds where you are trying out all your decks, then the worlds themselves where you get to play in the biggest tournament of the year and have a damn good holiday to boot. Then you get the period after the worlds where you get to try out all the great ideas you learned when you were there. Missing all these phases means I may not get my motivation back until next yer when the bog tournaments start again. I have often heard players say how they took a break from the game and then started playing again. I have never really understood this in a game that is always changing and you need to keep up with all the new expansions. Now I think I understand.
The second more worrying thing that has happened is that interest in Trek in London in general has waned over the last couple of months. GenCon was amazing with good turnouts to the Borg sealed decks and the open but since then we have struggled to get sanctioned a lot of the time. At first we blamed this on the post GenCon hangover but I have to confess that I think that it might be the start of a more worrying downward trend. Voyager signalled the start of a new phase to the game, which has severely crippled the metagame. I don't want to blame any particular card for this but lets call it the DQSS phase. Basically, it created one monster deck and killed all the others. Nearly all tournaments since then have been won with a DQSS variation whereas before, creativity was the order of the day. I mean okay Fed OS speed was dominant but you did have options. 6 months previous about the time of D-Con 2000 variation was even greater with a fantastic array of decks on display in Florida. I am seriously wondering if this is the beginning of the end for Trek as an active tournament game. A couple of veteran playtesters have told me that Decipher have been trying to get DQSS (or a variation) through playtesting for a number of expansions now presumably to make the players need more rare personnel. You've finally succeeded and possibly killed the game, congratulations.
I guess that puts a bit of a negative slant on it really, although in reality a lot to do with the demise of Trek in this region in the excitement generated by Lord of the Rings. I must admit that in my mind the jury is still out on whether this will be a good tournament game (Snap and Tobes had a game that lasted well over 2 hours the other night) but the game mechanic certainly looks sound and as most of the die hard Decipher CCGers are getting pretty excited about this, maybe it will be what we are all playing in a years time.
There is of course one more reason I am feeling a bit depressed this month. Our house is no more. We have to be out of the house by 26th November because of Snap's complete inability to pay rent, get a job, borrow money, or do anything of value whatsoever. It seemed the rational decision to move out, get back on our feet and maybe get another house sometime in the New Year (except for Snap who will be spending the next 3 years paying back the money he owes to various people). Right now however, sitting here in my room, knowing that in 2 weeks I will be back with the stigma of living with my parents has made me start to think back at all the good times we have had here and get a little sentimental. Partly for this reason and partly because so many RB readers have been a part of those good times, I have decided to donate the rest of this column to an A-Z of six fun months in this house.
Arkley Road: The Address of the house, number 2 to be precise. Conveniently situated within staggering distance of 3 railway stations. Did have a 'Pedestrians Keep Right' sign nearby which now resides in my bedroom. Old habits die hard.
Aziza: Our enigmatic 5th housemate before she moved out about a month after we moved in. With hindsight pulled off the excellent manoeuvre of dumping Snap before he could borrow too much money. Unfortunately it meant that we never had a chance to see the effect that her pink hair would have on the porcelain in the bathroom. Regardless, she was quite fit for a Goth, we miss her.
Beer: It is a fair analogy that we drunk quite a bit of this while we were here. Probably the most in one day was Ringo who managed 17 pints during the Victoria Line Challenge. A close second was me with 16 on the same day.
Checkers: Our local pub best known for its Karaeoke on Friday nights. The fruit machines there in currently have custody of probably over £200 of Mike's money, which they are reluctant to give back despite Mike's desperate trying.
Chunder: There have been a few of these worth remembering although not too many in the house itself. Notable exceptions include Rik's 4-hour Out-Of-The-Window session at the house warming party and my Fill-The-Toilet stomach pump after the Victoria Line challenge.
Cooking: An art only really mastered by Snap during our stay although this was probably out of necessity due to lack of money. I myself have developed a tendency for knocking up extremely tasty dinners with no culinary expertise required whatsoever, Mike has perfected the art of cooking super-noodles and Tobes has still yet to produce the culinary genius that he promised when he moved in (unless Spaghetti on toast counts).
Drunk: It is fair to say that we have all arrived back to the house rather the worse for wear at times. Highlights include Ringo and me after the Victoria Line Challenge, Snap on his birthday, Mike last Saturday after spending the night at DT's (!), Tobes after some of his many visits to his native Slough and lots of people at Gencon including a notable effort by Scottish player Fraser who managed to puke over himself before passing out up against the cooker.
Dumped: An all too common state of mind for the residents of the house. Award for most touching emotional break-up goes to Tobes and Kelly but a special award must be given to Snap who has managed to get dumped 3 times in the last 6 months by Aziza, Kath and some chick from work he went out with a couple of times.
GenCon: The event that this house was designed for. UK GenCon saw probably about 15 different people sleep on our floors over the course of 4 nights after getting smashed at the Purple Turtle. Were it not for our immanent departure we would contemplate hosting the event at the house next year. We could put the Magic players in the shed.
Hairs: All over the house because of Mike and Snap's extremely girly haircuts. One thing I won't miss when I move out is pulling a hairball out of the plughole in the sink every morning. Where did I put those scissors?
Housewarming Party: An unforgettable night attended by everybody who is everybody on the Trek scene. Highlight was Snap somersaulting through the conservatory window after doing a Tequila challenge and DT going around punching people after losing to me at a 'who's the bitch' vodka challenge. Definitely one for the annuls of history!
Howard: A regular at our house sent to redress the hair quantity disequilibria created by Snap and Shanny. A very multi-talented man into (amongst other things) Trek, Lord of the Rings, Paragliding, Song-writing, Chemistry, Kite Flying and trying to grow some hair.
Ironing: In 6 months, I think I've seen the iron used 5 times max.
Lower Decks: Bit of a strange one this but for about 4 months we have had 2 'Lower Decks' on the bottom shelf of the fridge. Any questions as to why they are there are normally met with the sharp retort 'where else would you put them?' This has left many visitors to the house extremely puzzled.
Margot: Fit Canadian chick who we met in a local bar a few days after GenCon. Has been the target of doomed pulling attempts first by Olav and then by Tobes. Thought she had disappeared for good when she moved to South London but apparently Tobes is meeting up with her for a few drinks at the weekend.
Masturbation Capital of the South East: Tobes bedroom. Christened after he spent an uncharacteristic amount of time in his bedroom after breaking up with Kelly. Still spends stupid amounts of time in his room so the nickname is unlikely to shift before we move out.
Munchkin: Tobes ability to play every board game we play like a Munchkin is well known throughout the household and its associates. Has led to me sitting upstairs writing RB while the others played fantasy related board-games on more than one occasion.
Neighbours: Got off to a bad start with these at the housewarming party and things have never really improved to any significant degree. Apart from the friendly women next door and kids in the street playing football we have had very little contact with any of them.
Pie: Not only my prized nickname but also a foodstuff eaten by Ringo, Mike and myself on many occasions. Having a large pie in the freezer can make you many friends, having a salad in the fridge cannot.
Piewagon: My car and the only decent means of transportation we have. Reliable and agreed to do a photo-shoot for its 'Trouble with Trekkies' card.
Poker: A game played regularly in the house, normally at about 4 in the morning long after all the sensible people (i.e. me) have gone to bed. I normally wake the following morning to find that Ringo has lots of money, Mike doesn't and everyone is in need of a fry up.
Rachael: Snap's inflatable doll that he was bought for his birthday. Another strong candidate for 'honourary 5th housemate' award until Ringo had sex with her and gave her a puncture.
Raw Deal: Stupid wrestling CCG played by Snap and Tobes. As me and Ringo will point out, 'It's not even a real card game anyway'.
RB: Has been much easier to write since we moved into the house with Snap, Mike, Tobes and Ringo providing a never-ending stream of stories. I still haven't ever managed to get it in on time though and this month is no exception (it is currently the 13ht of November).
Redundancy: Since we have moved in this has been experienced by Mike (twice) and Snap. Tobes has also recently quit his job. 2 Arkley Road now officially registers on government unemployment hotspot maps.
Rent: A commodity never possessed by Snap.
Ringo: Our honourable 5th housemate ever since Aziza moved out, Ringo probably spends more time here than at his own house. Occasionally provides free beer and stories about which rooms he has masturbated in.
Roleplaying: To my delight, not a single roleplaying game has been played in this house since we moved in despite the number of D12's that sit around tempting people.
Shampoo Bottle: In the words of Mike 'You've got to take a book in with you when you take a shit, otherwise you end up reading the shampoo bottle about 50 times'. Probably a sinister cover up for what Mike really does with the shampoo bottle when he is on his own.
Shanny: Mike Shanny, Irish, CEO of DivaLink Ltd. a company that has just spectacularly failed to win its first contract. Shares a hate-hate relationship with Tobes and has the smelliest room the world has ever known. Prone to referring to the hours between 3 and 6PM as morning and refusing to go to tournaments in order to go back to bed. Spends a lot of time playing on-line MUD's, which may explain a lot.
Shed: We have 2 of these. Noddy can be seen coming out of one of them on his 'Trouble With Trekkies'. This photo was taken at the housewarming party and to my knowledge, nobody has been in either of the sheds since.
Silly Games: Activity responsible for wasting more time than can possibly be imagined. Favourites include Risk, Talisman, Heroquest (remember that?) Warhammer Quest, RoboRally and Illuminati. Played more and more as people ran out of money and could no longer afford to go out drinking. Also played after nights out drinking when nobody would leave the house for fear of the bright light.
Snap: Financially unaware Scotsman who is also the man responsible for making all the 'Trouble with Trekkies' cards. Prone to getting dumped, singing like a chipmunk and phoning in sick to his job (when he had one). Currently owes members of the house a grand total of about £500 and has just become product champion for Lord of the Rings.
Songs: Often sung loudly at 2 in the morning much to the dismay of the neighbours. As you can imagine, I haven't had that much problem with song of the month lately.
Stovokor: The name given to the house by Marcus. Quite fitting I think.
Stuart: Apparently this is Snap's real name. Last used by anyone except his mum in 1985.
Temple: The Temple of Elemental Evil is a small cupboard type thing in our kitchen. Ringo and Snap have both slept in there. In fact Ringo has made it his second home in the last few months. Was also Rachael's home for a while plus any beer we haven't got room for in the fridge.
Tobes: In only his first time living away from home, Tobes has managed to find the joys of the beer scooter, council tax and staying up all night playing silly games. Unlike mike and Snap regularly turns up for work (sometimes even 4 or more days a week) and like me would have liked to stay here longer. Still, when you live in Slough nearly anything is an improvement.
Trek: Surprisingly few games of Trek were played in the house although there were quite a few manic deck-building sessions. Tobes post-Danielle collection of cards went from nothing to 30 Rogue Borg. If we could just sort him out with a seed deck he might play in a tournament.
Trouble With Trekkies: The new card game that has taken up so much of our time. Based on the escapades of London Trek players, you win by playing in tournaments and drinking. Check it out on http://troublewithtrekkies.2itb.com. There haven't been any site updates lately what with all the moving out business but hopefully we can start work again soon.
Walthamstow: East End of London where we reside. Mainly a dump full of foreigners and crap, yet somehow expensive houses. We are in the nice bit apparently.
Washing: Another Holy Grail of household chores that has caused some bafflement. I must admit to being the worst offender on this one. After having to get Aziza to show me how to use the Washing machine, I then went on to flood the kitchen in the first couple of weeks.
Yortle: A word invented by Ringo in order to get rid of some pretty piss poor letters when playing Scrabble. We soon realised that although this wasn't a word, it bloody well should be. We now use it at every opportunity although we are not totally sure what it means yet. What a fitting word on which to end this A-Z.
All this leaves us with for this month is our competition and Song of the Month. Competition is this. Complete the following sentence.
'Don't be stupid Ian, you should not give up playing Star Trek because...'
The Song of the month has naff all to do with Star Trek but is really funny anyway and is only the second to originate from outside England.