Ruling Britannia XIV

Okay, before I start I must admit that this is the second version of Ruling Britannia I have written this month. You see the problem is, I usually start writing about 2 days before the deadline and end up submitting the article late no doubt pissing the editor off (although he is always very nice about it). This time I though it would be really good to start writing it early so last week (about 3rd July) I got going. Then of course the inevitable happened and when I was halfway through writing it, loads more stuff happened which made what I had already written out of date, insensitive or just plain wrong! Therefore in a remarkable sense of pre-deja-vu (I have a feeling this has happened before and will almost certainly happen again) I am once again starting to write the article on the 9th, one day before the submission date.

Of course the first thing regular readers are probably wondering is why I am still alive to write this and not crushed by a pile of dirty dishes or suffocated in my own laundry basket. While it is true that since moving in with Snap, Tobes and Shanny housekeeping hasn't exactly been top of our agenda and our kitchen currently looks like a scene from 'The Young Ones', the sporadic female presence in the house has made sure we were vaguely tidy. All this may be about to change however and Snap's days of cleaning the toilet and Tobes' of cleaning his room may be over (although more on that later). Of course, what was bound to be a significant stumbling block on the road to our Trek playing Utopia was the fact that none of the five of us would actually admit to being able to cook anything more creative than pasta. Tobes brags that he can cook really complicated meals including the Holy Grail of the male diet The Roast Dinner although we think this is bollocks as so far he has cooked nothing more taxing than hamburgers. Shanny and myself have lived up to our self styled reputations of being able to cook anything that has easy to follow instructions on the side. Meanwhile Snap and Ziza while claiming to be incompetent have actually managed quite complicated meals including one memorable effort from Snap involving 3 saucepans at once and real fresh vegetables. This is from the same man who amazed us last night with his 'chipmunk club singing'. Is there no end to his talent?

The first big news on the tournament scene at the moment is that the race to 2000 is over and has been won by the UK! DT reached 2000 points after a tournament win last month meaning for those of you that don't know that the participating players from other countries have to stand on stage and sing the British national anthem at DecipherCon. I personally can't wait. Despite my best efforts, I have not been able to break the barrier this month and have now dropped into relative obscurity after annoyingly peaking at 1998. DT has also dropped into relative obscurity and although Ringo is making a bit of a comeback from his pretty abysmal second quarter, it looks like Australians and Americans will be taking over the world top 3, at least in the short term. It's all irrelevant though; the race is over we won and you will all recognise our greatness with gifts of money, women and sandwiches. Bwahahahahahahahaha

This kind of makes me wonder actually who are all these playtesters? DT has been in the world top 3 for ages and is the YJ world champion and he has never been asked to playtest anything and his application to playtest Lord of the Rings has thus far not been accepted. I know this because he bitches about it constantly. I have never been asked to playtest anything and although this doesn't really bother me as my life is hectic enough as it is, I have also been World number one on a couple of different occasions and have made the final day of the worlds. I know I'm not the greatest player the world has ever seen but DT must be close which makes me wonder how exactly do they pick these playtesters? It surely can't be on playing ability. Maybe that's why cards such as Combo Scow and Delta Quadrant Subspace Schism got through. Mind you I've been down this road before and got a roasting from playtesters who emailed me pretending they weren't playtesters and saying what a great hardworking bunch they thought they were. Yes, before the flames start, I do realise that a lot of playtesters are really good players, I just wonder what the criteria are. I'm guessing that I've never been asked because I repeatedly write nasty things about Decipher whereas DT probably hasn't because he pisses them off. This leaves kind of an incomplete model though. I know that playtesters aren't allowed to say that they are a playtester (I know this because a playtester told me once). Therefore I plead for all the non-playtesters that think they should be to email me and tell me why they think they have been overlooked. Hopefully by next month we should have a more accurate model. Maybe we're completely on the wrong track. Maybe the real criteria are that you have to have a stable home life or bear a resemblance to a demonic denizen. Maybe.

You may remember that I was looking forward to a no rares tournament last month. Well, it was fun! I played a Romulan/Vidiian Genetronics deck that worked pretty well. I managed to beat DT although I was extremely lucky not to lose to Mark Radford who is fast becoming a force to be reckoned with in the London area. Most amusing moment of the game was probably when Gareth Cheeseman beat DT. Now Gareth is quite a good player but probably not in the same league as the YJ World Champion, Trek World #1 and first player to reach 2000 rating points. My dilemma strategy of seeding Shaka + Killer + Implication under every mission proved to be a bit flawed as everyone saw the danger and put loads of Law and Diplomacy in their deck. Damn these local players are good! I did win the tournament however and I'm looking forward to doing a similar thing again some time.

All this time of course we had another distraction that had been eating up large chunks of our time. A long time ago, too long ago to be featured in Ruling Britannia, we used to have a laugh by inventing our own Star Trek cards based on whatever we were doing at the time. It was all pretty sad and mainly meant that we would go into pubs and say things like 'Flip Commandeer Table' or 'Be careful of Chula: The Ugly Bird!' Of course, in the way things do when the beer is flowing, these fun 'cards' developed into an expansion and then, when it was realised that very few Star Trek episodes were based in a pub or tournament hall a stand alone game. We wrote the rules and about 60-70 cards and then lost interest because nobody could actually bothered to actually make the cards. There it could have ended and in fact did until a little over a year later. A few weeks ago, I made a chance reference to the game and Snap (whom I had never even met at the time of the original) made an inquiry. I showed him the work done back in the day, which was still floating around my hard disk, and he agreed that it was cool and we decided to carry on making the game. 'The Trouble with Trekkies' CCG was born! Snap is actually a part time PhotoShop enthusiast anyway and quickly turned his room into a card design studio. I basically designed the text on the cards and Snap made them a reality. With the help of a couple of digital cameras and some expert modeling from Mike we now have a number of pictures ready to put on the cards. Anyone who wants a card list or spoiler list, mail me and I will provide! Gems include:

There are 160 in all so we have our work cut out for us, especially as Snap perfectionist attitude to card making means each one is taking about 2 hours to make at present! We currently have copies of the cards 'House Party' 'Drinking Session' and 'Ed Downes' ready to play.

So anyway all of this male bonding in the first month of the new Trek House's history cumulated with our house warming party 2 weeks ago. I know I overuse the phrase 'it was like a reunion' but this really was like a reunion. Through coercion we managed to persuade such adored veterans such as Rik, Marcus, Martin Allen, Noddy, Punchline, Nick and Doug to come as well as the usual crowd of James, Ringo, Howard, DT, Mark Radford, Angela, Colm and of course the 5 people who actually live in the house and a number of others. Preparation had been carefully made. We had very large quantities of beer and other stuff and even some food. Somehow it was left to me to cook the food although it actually turned out okay despite the fact that Mike and me decided to have a wrestling match while it was cooking.

So with an event set up like this you would expect stuff to happen right? Correct! It was one of those parties where everyone was really drunk by the end; one paragraph can't really do it justice. Instead here is an approximate chronology.

Not only a good party in fact but a bit of a stark contrast with the following week. A week so full of incident and bad luck that if it were a soap opera nobody would have believed so much could happen in 36 hours. It all started on the Thursday when Kelly dumped Tobes. Regular followers of RB useless trivia will remember that they got together two days before I went to D-Con last September. Since then, they have gone through various stages including fluffy, slightly more fluffy and er fluffy. In fact they seemed destined to spend eternity wearing matching jumpers and listening to 80's music, they both even worked for the same company and Kelly's mum was Tobes' receptionist! However, it seems like it was not to be. So anyway, already anticipating a very depressing weekend (Tobes isn't an awful lot of fun when he's depressed) we headed into Friday. Returning home from work, I found Tobes had taken the news slightly better than expected. Instead of just lying in his room listening to love songs as I predicted (although he did actually do this as well), he also went to London, bought a big poster saying 'Shit Happens' and some porn. He was even up for going to the pub. We all were in fact and were ready to go until Aziza poked her head round the door for only about the fifth time since she technically 'moved in'. Pulling off a remarkable double she chose this time to dump Snap! Not only did this now mean that everyone in the house was single but also we had lost a housemate and now had nobody to teach us how to use domestic appliances.

However, Snap's insistence that we 'go down the pub right now' preluded what promised to be the most depressing Friday night out in the History of man. Full credit to Snap and Tobes though. Although they did have a fairly touching heart-to-heart at one point, Snap's way of getting over being dumped was to drink as much beer as possible and phone every number on his mobile phone to share his news. Tobes, whose thunder had rather been stolen by the nights events settled down to abuse his body with vodka. Ringo and I spent most of the night laughing at the terrible Karaeoke (singing along where appropriate) and along with the other two, inventing the groundbreaking game of 'Getting Dumped Bingo' (rules below). To cap off an incredible 36 hours, we returned home to find that Mike had been made redundant! You may wonder how I got away with absolutely nothing bad happening to me whatsoever. Well just to make everyone feel better I turned up to GamesFest the following day with an absolutely pitiful Dominion deck and ended up coming 5th after being an agonising 2 points away from breaking 2000. Full credit to Mark and Ringo though who played decks that were quite frankly, a lot better than mine!

Oh yes, before I move on to the readers mail, let me explain the rules to getting dumped Bingo. First of all, you write down 15 phrases that women always use when they dump you on a piece of paper in a 3 x 5 grid. Then you must keep this bit of paper on you at all times that you have a girlfriend. If at any time you find yourself getting dumped, you must take out this bit of paper and a pen and cross off the phrases as she says them. If you ever manage to complete any of the 3 lines you must shout out 'Line!' If you manage to complete the whole Bingo card you must run around the room shouting 'house' and then immediately phone a random friend and tell them that you just 'scored a house'. This will totally confuse the poor girl who is trying to dump you but hey, it serves her right. If you find yourself not scoring many points (because, for instance, your girlfriend is very creative with her lines) then prompting her for certain lines is allowed. For example:

What phrases you use are entirely up to you but the following have been suggested by our panel of recently qualified experts.

If anyone gets a chance to play this game please let me know.

So anyway, enough doom and gloom for this month, lets move onto some fun stuff. First of all, here's the story from Olav that I promised you last month. It's long but well worth the read.

I've tried to get to Seattle on eight occasions. Starting when I was only six months old-- my parents were taking my brother and I to visit some relatives in Canada (we lived in Australia at the time). Interestingly enough this is the only time I have survived the crash-landing of a 737-- but not the only time that I have failed to make it to Seattle. I tried once to get to Seattle in 1990, it was an unspectacular failure involving nothing more than the solenoid on my car breaking. I didn't try to go to Seattle again until 1997. I had moved permanently to Calgary by this point--there were no STCCG tournaments around here at that time, and I was an avid fan of the game. My parents went to Halifax the same weekend as a con and tournament in Seattle. I asked them if I could borrow their car, but of course they wouldn't have it. I borrowed it anyways, agreeing to meet three of my Trek playing friends at the Airport at six, after my parents left the country at five. Two of my friends were on time, the third Chad Cory (Jackie Chan's makeup artist in a couple of films-- no joke) showed up at nine. With a broken leg. This wouldn't be as important if he wasn't the only other one of us with a driver's license. We piled into the car anyway-- I figured I could do all the driving to and from Seattle (it's about fourteen hours away) The first three hours weren't too bad-- aside from the car stereo eating a tape (I've never been able to replace the tape and the stereo has never worked again). It was when we got to the border that the fun begins. Before I had even invited any of these people I had asked them if they had criminal records. You can't cross the border with a criminal record. I had also told them all in no uncertain terms that they were not to attempt to bring drugs across the border. We were stopped at the American side of the border after Max the Weasel (I think he actually has a last name, but he's French, and a weasel, so no one can be bothered to call him anything else) made a joke about us being international terrorists. Four and a half hour later, with the tips of my fingers blackened and after a thorough records check, the Americans told us that Chad had been denied entrance into the USA due to a five year old unpaid jaywalking ticket. We were told however that if we cleared up the Jaywalking ticket on the Canadian side of the border, we would be allowed into the USA. Chad was arrested. Not only was there an unpaid jaywalking ticket, but he was wanted on drug possession charges. I was able to quickly interject here to point out that the man with the rubber glove was surprisingly gentle. He approached what must me one hellish job with a clinical detachment that allowed to keep some of my dignity. It cost, but they did say that there shouldn't be a problem getting across the US side of the border. They also took a knife to the upholstery of my parent's car. All they found was a small bag of fluorescent green powder that neither myself nor my friends had ever seen before. It took six hours for the laboratory to determine that it was in fact a small amount of miracle-grow brand nitrogen fertiliser. We still had 22 hours till the tournament. The Americans wouldn't let us across, but they determined that fairly quickly, and we were on our way back to Calgary. The tank was getting empty, and I pulled over for gas. Now, I was broke as I had spent my cash variously on a meal, two tanks of gas, and 1000 in bail, so I asked the others to pay for gas, to which Max the Weasel confirmed he was a weasel by responding "We didn't make it to Seattle, so I don't have to pay for gas." I was steamed. the remaining two paid for gas, and I kept going. When I get angry, I drive fast. When I drive fast, I get pulled over. And boy, was I angry. As we pulled away from the police officers, who had kindly only given me 200$ worth of tickets instead of impounding the vehicle, Chad piped up, attempting to cheer me up, to lift me out of my gloom. He said "I've got something to cheer you up-- I've got the best weed on the planet in my luggage, If it would relax you, I'll share. "I looked him, not speaking. Not able to speak. "Well, if you don't want any, could we pull over so that I can toke up-- I'm stressed as hell" I snapped. I swerved into the ditch. "You dumb ass mutherfucker," I said calmly, in the most even tome I could muster. "You unbelievable prick-- do you realise what would happen if they had found that as they went through our luggage?" He got out. He went to the trunk to get the luggage. He found out that he had left his luggage at the border. After the tow truck had pulled us out of the ditch, we returned to the border, forcing Chad to pay for the gas. Oddly Chad's luggage remained unopened by the border guards this entire time. The trip back to Calgary was oddly quiet. As I walked in my door, the phone rang. It was my parents. "Olav?" said my mom with a puzzled tone, "your brother had said you had taken our car on a trip to Seattle. We were really angry with you-- but obviously you didn't". "You know how Knut is mom," I replied "always trying to get me into trouble."

Well if anyone can beat that (which I seriously doubt) please send all (true) stories and they shall be printed. My first competition last month was to name the strangest place you have ever played Star Trek. Although I got a lot of responses to this there was a shortage of truly amazing tales. Best of all was probably Len Neidorf's tale.

OK, I now have a thing for next month's RB. The final confrontation at the NJ state championships took place at a Wendy's (Fast food restaurant). The tourney was held at a Wizards of the Coast store, but we ran overtimed, so we had to go to the nearest public place that had tables, which was a Wendy's. So yeah, I won a state championship in a Wendy's ;-)

Honourable runner up goes to a player who identifies himself only as 'The Disco Dancing Vulcan' offers the following:

I've played Star Trek on a sailboat halfway between Newport, RI and Cuttyhunk, MA. It was fun but kinda hard to keep the spaceline from sliding off the table.

As for other readers mail, first comes a response from the New Jersey player mentioned in last months article who was banned from Major Rakal's tournaments, seemingly to set the record straight but in reality posting a threat:

I just got done reading your article. I just wanted to get a few things straight. I didn't erase anything on the blackboard. I just wrote two things, not even that big. My being banned just proves that NJ runs the Romulus region now. Now there taking it out on our ambassador now. Every other ambassador seems to have received there boxes except him. Come on, there's no need for that. Well anyway, Len got his seat at the NJ states and I just got mine at the Open. We've seized Romulus now in November we'll have the World. Like I explained to NY, I am THE GAME and you do not want to play me.

I do want to play you and I hope we get the chance at D-Con because me and my Brit buddies are going to kick your East Coast arses! One more piece of mail which I must share with you is from Michael van Breemen who shares the following story of 3rd Reich style discipline from Evan and Kathy at one of their tournaments.

As far as most memorable bans that I can remember was American GenCon '99. It was just after the lunch break and there were like 10 or so people kicked out of the tournament, all but one of them were Canadian oddly enough. They had arrived just a minute or so late and Mot/Major wouldn't let them into the tournament. They hadn't even began to call the pairings yet. It later became a theme of the four of us there: Decipher Hates Canadians ;-) (2 of the people I was staying with were kicked out).

So all that leaves for this month is song of the month. We had high hopes for this as Snap was writing what promised to be a very funny song. Unfortunately he couldn't quite get it finished in time for the deadline so you'll have to settle for one mine instead.

That's all for now. Make sure you read next month to discover the answers to life's important questions such as