Final Ruling Britannia

I am sad to announce that this is the last Ruling Britannia I will be writing. I started out in mid 2000 with a plan put the English Star Trek scene on the map. We housed some of the best players in the world and had a tournament scene, the competitiveness of which topped anywhere in the world. We also had a group of top players who, through the game, had become best of friends. What started off as mainly tournament reports quickly evolved into a huge fly-on-the-wall documentary. The whole life of London Star Trek players was opened up for anyone who wanted to look in, and look in they did. I never realised that anyone actually read RB until Ringo told me about the day he went into the Kedanya Station chatroom and got asked, "Are you the Ringo from Ruling Britannia?" I received email from all over the world and from UK players I had never met. Know that I read and was influenced by every single one of them even those I regrettably never found the time to reply to. I found that people were actually interested in what some ordinary blokes they had never met from London did the previous Saturday even if it wasn't Star Trek-related. Ruling Britannia became the side of Star Trek that Decipher had no control over. A virtual world where we were free to call playtesters crap, DQSS broken and Kathy McKracken a bitch. A world where nobody was ever banned and no story was ever covered up (although some people begged). I had the dream job.

So why, you may ask, am I bringing it to a close? Let's just say it is not without a lot of thought. However, within the last year the following factors have all contributed.

- Star Trek as a game is pretty dead. I really hope Second Edition succeeds but there is no guarantee of this. Given this column is supposed to be about Star Trek and is in a Star Trek e-magazine this is kind of a stumbling block.

- Star Trek in London in particular took a huge nosedive about this time last year. I have probably only played in 4 or 5 tournaments since then.

- Although the social scene in London is still present with many of the old Trek crowd, more and more of the people we go out with are non-Trek players. This makes the stories less interesting for anyone who doesn't know the people personally.

- I think James' wedding kind of marked the end of an era. We now all have careers and some are starting to settle down. A lot of the big kid atmosphere has been lost. We still sit in bars and sing songs very loudly at times but it is becoming less frequent.

I imagine all of you probably empathise with a lot of these reasons. When I started playing Trek, I was 18, naive and had a lot of time on my hands. I am now 24, world-weary with barely enough time to make breakfast in the morning. It's sad to admit it but I'm getting old. It is time for others to take up the gauntlet of cheap Internet entertainment. That is not to say that I will never be writing for WNOHGB again. Now and then I will get the bug and write something that will hopefully make you smile. Just probably not every month.

So for the last time, here is a roundup for the last couple of months. Tournament stalwart Matthew Thomas held a Trek tournament for his 18th birthday. It was an excellent day of nostalgia with most of the old crowd putting in an appearance if not playing. I turned up with a Borg "Shopping Trolley" deck that I had piloted to a 1-4 finish back in the Spring (for the record, my only tournament to date I had finished with a losing record including 3 Worlds appearances). It was rubbish but everyone was playing fun decks so it didn't matter. We did a lot of singing, a lot of joking and all in all had a great day. We all chipped in and bought Matthew a Fajo Collection, which he was very chuffed with. I left with the feeling that if this was the last Trek tournament I ever played in; I would have ended exactly how I wanted to. Non-seriously having a good laugh and a joke with some old friends. In case you are wondering, I came 3rd.

Our house is still going strong. Noddy is becoming more and more middle-class. He has even started to fall in love with the local wine bar. We think he has come under the influence of his fellow workers in the city. By sheer coincidence (probably) he hasn't had so much luck with the ladies recently although he did manage to get a girl's number on the train the other day while he was drunk on the way back from the pub. We'll just have to see how that one develops. Victoria Line Challenge III took place nearly 6 weeks ago now. This was the biggest one yet and definitely the one that left me with the most memory gaps. Noddy didn't recover for a number of days afterwards and actually gave up alcohol for a while as a direct result. The most exciting event on the horizon is the 2002 Drinking Pro-Tour that will take us to Glasgow, York, Leeds, Coventry, Reading, Oxford and London. Already signed up for the full event are myself, Noddy and Neil with others to join us at various points along the way including Snap, Punchline and (the famous) Martin Allen. We kick off on the 30th November and if anyone will be at any of these locations in the following week I would like to hear from you.

For the rest of this, the last RB ever I would like to print memos from some of the people that have made RB possible over the last two and a half years. First of all, from possibly the greatest contributor of them all, Ringo Greenwich. The only person to have been mentioned in every episode of RB ever, Ringo for years managed to juggle being a damn good Decipher Ambassador with being a complete all-round drunken menace. Most Trek players in the world have probably at least heard of Ringo. So have most kebab shops in England and many of the Police stations.

Hmmm... what to say?...

Shall I comment on the genesis of Ringo-pop? (See Ruling Britannia #1)
Shall I point out how I have beaten my own kinky records? (See Ruling Britannia #2)
Shall I give advice on how to get kicked out of a casino and get a gun pointed at my head by Nevada State Police? (See Ruling Britannia #5)
Shall I reflect on when I was anointed as a God after somehow becoming World #1? (See Ruling Britannia #7)
Shall I provide my own personal translation of "MJMKAMJAMJTJGTJMTGJW 4 AN P47SED"? (see Ruling Britannia #10)
Shall I release the sequels to "Satchel?" (See Ruling Britannia #13)
Shall I try again to get a job at a gay bar? (NB: unlikely) (See Ruling Britannia #15)
Shall I describe my personal thoughts on giving a blow-up doll a puncture? (Alas, Rachel, RIP.) (See Ruling Britannia #17)
Shall I shock the world with the true story of how many rooms I jerked off in at your old place, or congratulate myself yet again for creating the Yortle? (See Ruling Britannia #18)
Shall I offer vital information on how to pick up free kebabs from fire stations? (See Ruling Britannia #25)
Shall I entertain the world with the story of how I became friends with a tramp? (See Ruling Britannia #26)
Shall I identify the reasons how having a CCG card written about me called "Ringo Greenwich: Day-tripper"? (Don't see Ruling Britannia #27, because it wasn't actually written about)

... Or should I tell all about how to fuck an owl?

OK: no, I probably won't. But whatever happens, I won't sleep till Y.J.

Yortle,

Ringo, carnivorous, former World #1, creator of "Yortle," consumer of Pot Noodles, and now designing websites for the blind.

That was Ringo reminiscing on his own personal highlights in RB. Next we have Mike Shanny who has kindly written a Ruling Britannia A-Z. Mike has been a semi regular in RB for the last couple of years most prominently when I lived with him for 6 months last year. He has had many highlights but none top his escapade where he was pissed on by the stripper. Incidentally he is currently squatting in our house.

A is for Arkley Road: 2 Arkley Road that is, and former residence the Piemaster, Shanny, Tobes, Aziza and Snap. These people along with non-rent-paying house mates Ringo Greenwich and Rachel were responsible for some of the most interesting Ruling Britannia articles filled more often than not with absolutely nothing to do with ST: CCG or any other Decipher product for that matter.

B is for Banned Cards - And fair play to Decipher, to my mediocre knowledge of ST: CCG, there is only one banned card, being "Raise The Stakes." Every CCG goes though the phase somewhere between design and production when some wise guy in a suit who has never played CCG's before says, "Wouldn't it be great if people played each other for their cards!" and lo, the concept of ante was born, and quickly died again when people realised they would be forced to ante their much sought after "Barclays Protomorphosis Disease" in exchange for the ridiculously over-common Romulan Outpost.

C is for Conventions - Conventions are great for readers of RB, if you had money, and you went, you could have a nice read of all the stuff that went on that you couldn't remember over the weekend (think GenCon and the bar) whereas if you didn't have the cash or the time off work to go to a convention (think DCON US) then you still got some gossip on what happened without having to try and explain to the nice man at customs that you really are a European citizen and you would like to get back into your own country now...

D is for Drinking - Not that ST: CCG had much to do with drinking as a direct game mechanic, but it probably should have. Most RB articles tended to contain at least 40% alcohol-related content, so it deserves a mention. Most people are probably thinking I should have put Decipher here, and not drinking, but I feel that alcohol in all its forms had more impact on the ST: CCG scene in London and throughout the UK than Decipher ever did, I mean come on, all they did was print a few cards!

E is for Editions - This will be the 29th Ruling Britannia article over about 2.5 years, and whether you were there and involved at the time or not, I urge you to read the archives, if for no other reason than to understand some of the jokes and terms still being used at the moment (see Yortle.)

F is for France - there are occasional references to France in the RB archives, most of them defamatory and some even contain references to tournaments that were attended in France by the British gamers, but anyway, that's enough about France...

G is for Gema IV - which is apparently where this wonderful misadventure of card gaming apparently goes on, although I must stress that I can neither confirm nor deny this, having never been to Gema IV.

H is for Hardcore - Which, to be fair, most of the stuff being written about in RB was, Hardcore 5 step tequila challenges, hardcore walking pi55's, hardcore piggy back tag team matches (incidentally, Ringo and Pie are still the undisputed champions if anyone feels like challenging them.)

I is for Irish - Being Myself and Mr McFadden - I think we took a bit took much stick in RB, but looking back and being honest about it, Tobes got more, and to paraphrase the ever famous Danielle once more, we call him Tobes coz we don't like him! (Can you tell I was desperate for something that starts with I?)

J is for Janice - A famous person in her own right, and foremother to the McRuling, a concept familiar to anyone who has ever gone to a tournament in Littlehampton - Janice, the residential TD and mother to Natasha, is famous for ruling on obscure rules queries from her significant other Jason Guzikowski (or however you spell that) This being the same Jason who tried to convince me that people had to pass 4 times in a row for the seed phase to end and you couldn't Intermix bonus points your opponent had if they were scored attempting your missions. (Played him 3 times, beat him 3 times, by 100 points 3 times, to nil, 3 times.)

K is for Kathy McKracken - being Major Rakal from the Decipher BBS, who took a whole lot of abuse in her time in Ruling Britannia, most of which some would say was deserved. My own understanding of these matters is limited, but the mere mention of her name seems to wind Pie and Ringo up, so it was good enough for me.

L is for Littlehampton - Where, thankfully, I do not like, Littlehampton has been known to host the occasional tournament, and the only time I ever lost a game at a Littlehampton tournament, was when I played Ringo or Pie (although I think I beat Ringo at one such tournament, coz I remembering winning a tournament down there - Shiny Dal'rok foils were so overrated.

M is for Marcus "Marcus Marcus" Shepherd - One of the nicest TD's I've had the pleasure to meet, especially when I was new to the game, he was also the last person to arrive at the 2 Arkley Road house party over a year ago (check RB archives) Marcus apparently works for Decipher and while I've seen him playing Decipher cards, and hanging around Decipher areas at conventions, I have yet to see him "Work" - truly a sign of a professional - Go Marcus! He is also famous for pioneering the rhythm method, having an oppressive girlfriend (apparently a recent update states impressive now!) and not really liking Def Leppard.

N is for Never Again - RB that is, will never be out again, as someone who was vaguely familiar with it before I lived with Ian, but then, I got to know the hours, days, and more importantly, lazy Sunday afternoons that went into writing it, I can appreciate what it is, and will miss it (heart wrenching isn't it?) - By the way, N is also for Nationals - an event that brought the wide expanse of the Trek community together - Richard Cowton came from wherever he comes from, Janice and Jason made the Trek from Littlehampton, Marcus from Brighton (you gotta be careful there!) DT came from Hastings (originally) and so on. It's events like these that I felt really added to the game, as they brought metagames from different cities together and got crazy results (mostly everyone 100 - Jason 0 - but that's a story for another day.)

O is for Olav - And no matter how many times his surname is mentioned to me, he will stiff be Olav Peterson to me, Olav - token Canadian Trek player, is a legend, he had mints that were paper, and tasted like mouthwash, but were amazing when consumed in the Turtle after jugs of Orange Shit. Olav managed to contribute to RB regularly from his home 6 time zones away and always proved to be a good read.

P is for Page's Bar - Page's Bar, Pimlico, featured a lot in earlier editions of RB, but due to the fact that, "It's not a Rugby Club" somehow it seemed to disappear from the limelight. Best remembered for the Marina Sirtis night and stories involving Tobes and Danielle. We tried to go back on VLC v3, but despite James' insistence, it was still closed at 1:30 in the afternoon.

Q is for Q - Without whom, so many songs of the month would have few things to bitch about and would not rhyme, and on that note I would like to send out an honourable mention to Leck who wasn't quite good enough to make the entry for L (Jason and Janice will be pleased) - but I implore you, you find something that rhymes with deck better than Leck (submissions to ihonestlycare@really.com.)

R is for Ringo - Who has appeared in every issue of RB since its inception, what started off as mind mannered Ringo Greenwich an 80's Brit pop lover and occasional owl fetishist, turned into the Hardcore Yortle Meister that we all know. Some of Ringo's more famous entries in RB include his strong "Satchel" prose and the incidents with Rachel at 2a Arkley Road.

S is for Song of the Month - From the highlights of "That's Your Shit Deck for Today", to the equally high levels of "I'm Playing Spoonheads Instead", they are all there, and never fail to amuse any amassed group of players/drinkers/passing strangers/police officers, etc...

T is for Trek, actually, that would be boring, we know about Star Trek, so T is for The Trouble with Trekkies - The game that takes nothing from the decipher game engine and is completely original in all forms - well the art work is anyway - since it's mostly us in dodgy poses - check the RB archives for more information about this.

U is for Ultra-Rares - Reflecting on older RB episodes, I discovered that Decipher at one stage promised not to release any further Ultra Rares after the fiasco that was the Future Enterprise, strangely, they did release more ultra-rares, and stranger still, many people are leaving the game currently. (I honestly don't know if these items are in any way connected, but it might provoke thought in some members of the literate community reading this.)

V is for Victoria Line Challenge - A complicated game involving tactics, skill, lucky and a concise approach to deck building. Alternatively, it's a game that starts in Brixton, ends in Walthamstow, involves 16 tube stations, 16 pubs and 16 assorted beverages, newer versions of the VLC (VLC v3) contain cards to aid with beer selection.

W is for Where No One Has Gone Before - Which is the place where you probably found the RB archives first, and is still occasionally updated. The great Piemaster's editor at WNOHGB is either dyslexic; illiterate or just plan stupid to allow someone to print this sort of thing anywhere. (He has probably been driven to apoplexy at this stage.)

X is for Xenophobia - Coz we just don't like the French - got it? But strangely, we seem ok with most other countries, who can explain it. It might be because they wear chains of onions around their heads, who can tell...

Y is for Yortle - And if you don't know what that means, then I am afraid I can't help you, Yortle Enterprises Technologies Express UK Division CEO Ringo Greenwich had the following to say: "Yortle" I believe I need say no more. Curiously enough, some folk believe Yortle is not actually a word, but a combination of 5 crappy letters and a poorly placed Y on a scrabble board, these rumours are completely false and should be immediately discarded. If you have any questions or problems about Yortle, or some of its uses, you had best contact Yortle Communications.

Z is for ZZZ..zzz..zzz - Also known as sleeping, which any of you who have gotten this far on this list will come to appreciate it's what most people do against me in the first turn of my AMS deck (average turn time 22-28 minutes.)

My thoughts or contribution to the column, well what can I say? I have read all of the RB's, and have even been in a few of them myself, well written by the Pieman himself, not quite sure what to put here.

The few occasions that I have been to London to join in the Trek scene (OK, I was going to get fucked, wasted or both, but happened to put a few cards down on a table in the right order.

Actually found out about the London lads through the column, and now consider a few of 'em to be good m8's, have lost women over the columns (glares in Pie's direction), but most of all have had a good laugh while reading them.

Read about the first VLC in this column so decided that I had to join in one of them, so when I got the call from Ringo saying that there was another one I just had to be a part of it, so even though I was staring Uni the very next day I still made the trip from Scarborough down to London for what turned out to be my best piss-up yet, unfortunately I arrived a little late on the train so I missed the first pub, but not wanting to finish behind everyone else I decided to have double drinks in pub no. 2, managed my first tactical chunder in pub number 5 (a Wetherspoons if I remember correct) because I managed to pull a pint of Guinness card, which I had never tried in my life, was attempting to give up on the pint about 3/4 of the way through it because it was making me feel quite ill, but as it was going to be marked as a failed drink, I decided to carry on and downed the remaining 1/4... 2 mins later I was legging it to the toilet to lose my pint and my lunch that had just cost me a tenner (bastards), chunder no 2 came at pub number 10, due to a double whiskey and coke (had also never tried whisky, so was also a new experience for me). Of the whole VLC that I was a part of 15/16th's of it, only me and pie managed to go to all the pubs (I know pie visited the first pub to technically he was only one to go to all 16, however when Ringo turned up at pub 8 (I think) he decided to do same as me and made sure he had had (at least) 16 drinks by the end of the run. what was worrying was the fact that by the time we had done at the last pub I had managed to drink myself sober... always a bad thing.

End of the day was a great time down in London, will have to go down for another one some time, but unfortunately I am now a penniless student, and my student overdraft was spend on the last VLC so I don't know when it will be.

Am sad to see the RB column go because it has always been an entertaining read for me, and I always like to have a nosey at what else is going in the country with other Trek players, hope pie changes his mind, I know his reasons for finishing it are because he has stopped with the Trek thing but to be honest, there wasn't really too much Trek in most of the time, was mostly beer, pub crawls and occasional women.

Not sure what else to put here, hope to see all the posse from the VLC some time in the future, was great :)

Finally, here are a few short comments from some of my better-known readers around the world.

"In the summer 2001 of I had the unmitigated pleasure of living a slice of Ruling Britannia. It was one of the most fantastic experiences. Ian, Ian, Steve, Snap, Ringo, Marcus were some of the people who made STCCG great. Keep in touch all." - Olav Rokne

"I'm sad to hear RB is ending. It was an entertaining read, and I truly enjoyed reading about the trips through London's pubs and eateries (even the bit when Fraser threw up). I hope you keep up your venerable writing skills and use them to relate more of your Bradlian adventures in the future. RB will be remembered fondly." - Patty Gillard

"Incidentally, as you will no longer be doing Ruling Britannia, does that make it safe to bring my girlfriend out drinking now?" - Nick Yankovec

"Thanks Ian, and good luck with the MTG crowd (no sarcasm intended there at all)." - Marcus Sheppard

"Sorry to hear it... you've managed to aggravate and amuse a good many people over the years ;-)" - William Springer

"AUTOMATED REPLY (Please read carefully) Thank you for emailing Decipher. This guide will help point you to the best sources for information about the Star Trek CCG blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah etc." - Kathy McKracken

To finish off with, a big thank you from myself to everyone who has contributed to RB in any way. Those who have stared in it, those who have inspired it, those who have corrected it, those who have mailed me encouragement to keep writing it, everyone. Special thanks go to the following people.

William "Spock" Springer - My fantastic editor, who has never complained when I submitted late, overstepped the mark or gave him nightmares about potential lawsuits.

Decipher - For creating the wonderful game that is Star Trek CCG. You made my life a very happy place for 6 years.

Kathy "Major Rakal" McKracken - For taking a whole load of abuse from me. At least some of it was probably undeserved :-)

Marcus "Marcus Marcus" Sheppard - For attempting the impossible task of being a friend of mine and a Decipher employee at the same time. I don't think anyone else could have managed it but you. You are a top bloke.

Steve "Tobes" Tobin - For being on the wrong end of more Ruling Britannia jokes than possibly anyone else. Your suffering is finally over.

Ringo Greenwich - For being the only person to appear in every Ruling Britannia and for providing a never-ending stream of stories for the masses.

The rest of the British Star Trek CCG crowd - Including but not limited to James, Shanny, Snap, DT, Noddy, Colm, Sam, Howard, Rik, Neil (honorary Trekker), Radders, Martin, Andy, Ed, Doug and Nick. These people have had their private lives relentlessly intruded upon over the last 2 and a half years.

Janice and Jason - I don't think you ever read Ruling Britannia but you featured in it quite a lot. Give my regards to Natasha.

Angela, Aziza, Rozi, Lucy, Sarah, Hannah, Kelly plus others - All the Trek players significant others that I have got to know over the years. I feel your pain!!

John Corbett - For being a fantastic Troll.

All the overseas players - Including Olav, Brad, Patty, Todd and all the other players I have met at various World Championships or who have kept in touch over email.

Here I am, signing off for the last time. Once again, a big thanks and best wishes to everyone for helping me make 2000-2002 three very enjoyable years.

N.B. Nobody ever noticed the amount of times Leck was mentioned in Song of the Month just because he rhymed with Deck. Shame on you.

- Ian Taylor, November 2002